Come on, get him! Take his legs out!
Give him a Theismann. I wanna see bone!
No, no, don't let him get out in the open field!
Out of nowhere! Takedown!
In your face, herbivore!
Just get it over with.
Our relationship has crossed into a weird place.
Kitties!
That's Siegfried and Roy. They're moving in Kate's old man today.
Oh, right.
Not only does he hate me,
he refuses to towel up after he showers.
- Low-hangers? - Like you wouldn't believe.
Good times start in three, two...
Hello, show creatures!
Today we move the great Sarmoti in with his loved ones.
Hit it!
- Sarmoti! - Sarmoti!
For crying out loud.
The old star joins the new star.
Look at the happiness we bring.
Come on, Roy. We have to get to brunch
before Phyllis Diller touches the bagels.
Oh, yes. We are off.
Goodbye, my lions.
Or should I say...
We don't do that, do we?
Bright light city's gonna set my soul
Gonna set my soul on fire
I got a whole lot of money that's ready to burn
So get those stakes up higher
I'm gonna give it everything I got
Lady Luck, please, let the dice stay hot
Let me shoot a seven with every shot
Hey, viva Las Vegas
Viva Las Vegas
Viva Viva
Las Vegas
Dad, welcome. We are so happy to have you.
Aren't we happy, Larry?
Sure. If I wasn't white, I'd be dancing.
You see, white guys can't dance,
and I'm a white lion,
Shut it. I don't want to be here,
you don't want me here, I hate you.
Let's make the best of it.
Look, it's not easy getting old and losing your home.
Try to cut him some slack.
Now, where do I put my zebra?
How about in the backyard?
Backyard?
A pampered kid like you could never understand
what this zebra means to me.
This was my first kill.
It's my last connection to Africa.
What do you think of our new place?
Oh, that's right, you can't hear me because I killed you
and sawdust now occupies where your brain was,
you fabulous, striped bastard.
This isn't creepy at all.
When I asked you to take care of my ficus this weekend,
it didn't mean you could throw a party at my house.
Whoa, buddy. What makes you think I did that?
Somebody wrote "Suck it" on my Bend it Like Beckham poster.
Okay, okay, maybe I did have a couple of friends over,
and it might have gotten a little wild.
You know geckos.
You get a few kamikazes in 'em, and they go all Fight Club.
By the way, do not use your toothbrush.
You think you can screw with me because I am a pacifist.
But I expect full compensation for all damages.
- I had a recent setback in the market. - Wrong answer.
Forgive me, Mahatma.
Money problems solved.
We made our lions very happy today.
Ja. It felt good.
You know what else would feel good?
One kind word from my father in my entire life?
Yes, but I meant helping others.
Let us find a poor soul down on his luck.
Fantastic.
Finally, something to take our minds off our humdrum nine-to-five job.
Ja, ja, we are terrific!
Don't worry.
That was magic, and not the work of the devil.
Three, cha, back, kick, shimmy, twirl, up, down.
Twist, pivot and jazz paws.
Thank you.
I'm going out for wholesome activities with friends.
No drinking, smoking and swearing.
I bridle at discipline, but I love you. You're aces.
You're not going out till you eat something.
You guys know I'm on a diet.
I'm a secure, confident woman,
but drummers don't like beefy chicks.
You do not need to diet.
Sweetheart, if I may.
Sierra, it would not hurt to skip a few meals.
Dad!
Kate, she's beautiful now, but let's face it.
She has a genetic predisposition to take up space.
I'll remember that when you're begging for your heart medication.
I am out of here.
That's right. Run along, sweetie.
Have fun with your friends.
Remember what I said about being fat!
Well, that's one kid set straight.
I'm going to hit the litter box... hard.
You? Do you see what you have done?
You've trashed my crib!
Siegfried and Roy will have my coconuts in a sling.
I know you wouldn't come here without my money, bee-ahtch.
Oh, I got better than money, Chutney.
I got a way to make us rich.
I'm making a video called Secrets of The Secret Garden:
Vegas Animals Raw and Unedited.
I'm listening.
There are millions of bored prairie dogs
in Nebraska who will pay big bucks
to see what kind of sick degenerates you celebrity animals are.
- The turkey's just my roommate. - Of course, he is.
It's perfect.
A casino is the perfect place to find someone whose life we can make better.
Ja. Now keep your eyes open.
Who is in need of our help?
Mayday. Greek man in a tank top.
Hold on, tank top, you must contain the hair.
Roy is doing a good thing.
When will it be my turn?
I'm wiped out. I'm such a loser.
Thank you. Well, hello, loser.
I just blew the down payment on my house.
My wife's gonna kill me. This is all I have left.
Well, we'll just have to win it all back.
I am a master blackjack player.
Is this your card?
They're all my cards.
But the zebra wouldn't die.
I raked him with my claws, he jumped back up.
I crushed him with boulders, he sprang back to life.
Finally, I pushed him off a cliff.
He lay there... lifeless,
his blood black in the moonlight.
It was done.
It's alive! Zombie zebra!
- What's going on? - The zebra's alive!
Save yourselves, bring me back through the miracle of cloning!
We were having some fun. I was telling him a ghost story.
Ghost story? You know he has anxiety issues.
Listen, Sarmoti, Hunter is our son.
No, you listen.
I love that boy, but someone's got to toughen him up.
Kate, you coddle him.
And Larry, what would you know?
The only thing you ever fought is the cellophane around a Twinkie.
I'm playing poker at Bernie's.
Kate, if you're up later, I'll show you how to make deviled eggs the right way,
where they don't give you the...
I can hear the Callahans next door. What's a skanky tramp?
I got you, buddy.
Stupid Sarmoti.
Oh, my God. Dad's gonna freak.
You know how much he loves this thing.
I mean, he put it down in the middle of our living room...
...even though it's old and disgusting.
But hey, as long as he's happy, who cares?
'Cause he's the great Sarmoti!
Well, this is my house and my family
and nobody tells me how to be a mom to my kids!
Nobody! Is it that hard to remember a birthday?
It's once a year! I wanted a pony!
Awesome.
Am I the only one turned on right now?
Yes, I am.
Oh, God, what did I do?
So you lost it.
It was his most prized possession. You saw the way he loves that thing.
He brushes its teeth.
- What am I going to do? - Just relax.
- Maybe we can replace the rug. - Oh, great idea, Larry.
How are we gonna get an authentic zebra rug?
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Yeah, I love that song.
We can't do this, can we?
- No, of course not. - Right.
Although, we do need a rug,
and lions in Africa do it all the time.
It looks like a hoot on TV.
Larry, this isn't the Serengeti. We live in a civilized community.
I have a shower cap.
This is the Watering Hole.
Belly of decadence.
Here's Larry, drug-addled Vegas celebrity,
blowing off some steam with one of our local ho's.
Hello, Shalimar.
Snack, what is this?
I'm shooting a video expos�. What's happening with you?
We ruined Sarmoti's rug and, well, we're kind of window-shopping.
Oh, Fox News will love it!
Vegas. The strip.
Where life is cheap and every thrill is for sale,
including... murder.
Forget it, Snack. There's no way we can do this.
You're right, this is crazy.
Go to your dad, have a heart-to-heart, he'll forgive you.
- Yeah. Let's whack the zebra. - Really?
- All right. - We should feel him out first.
- If he has a family, forget it. - Good thinking.
But make sure he's really the one you want.
I don't want it to be like the armoire,
where we get it home and realize it doesn't work with the room.
Hello, sir.
My husband and I couldn't help noticing you were all alone here.
Look, you both seem very attractive,
but I'm not really into that sort of thing.
No, no, no, no.
We just wanted to schmooze a little.
So, big night out all alone?
Without the... family?
Oh, I don't have any family.
Really? No family?
Nope, nope, nope, no family, no friends, nobody.
In fact, if I disappeared off the face of the earth right now,
well, no one would even notice.
Not a soul.
The hunt is on.
Excuse me, garcon, could I trouble you for a frosty glass of...
...murder.
Fashion crisis averted.
A turtleneck now contains Mr. Papanickolas' raging man-fur.
Siegfried, what are you doing?
Roy, I'd like you to meet Mike Barker, a loser.
Hey, man.
He was down on his luck. I am gambling to win his money back.
Have you lost your head brains?
You have a problem with gambling.
Remember what happened last time?
Come on, lucky sieben!
Lucky sieben, lucky sieben, come on.
Come on, lucky sieben! Lucky sieben.
- I have crapped out! - Siegfried, we have lost everything.
My codpiece! No!
I had to buy this back at a police auction in Winnipeg.
Relax, that's in the past.
Look, I started with his single chip,
and now I have $20,000.
- You won $20,000 on one chip? - Not exactly.
I had to offset some early losses with a trip to the ATM.
How much did you take out?
A million.
Siegfried, you are down a million dollars?
I am not going back to Canada!
No, no, my luck is about to turn.
I've been counting cards. I have 18.
The next one will be a three of clubs.
You're busted.
But it was clubs. I'm getting closer.
Boy, I thought there'd be a lot more people here for a party.
Oh, they'll be by later.
- Are you ready to do this? - Of course.
Who wouldn't be ready? I was born ready.
Hey, buddy.
You want a drink? I want a drink.
What's going on? You seem stressed out.
Yeah, I got this thing I got to do,
and my wife is on my back about it.
Well, let me help you out there.
Wow, you are as tight as a drum.
Oh, oh, that is... Oh, that is so good.
Is that too much?
No. You can gallop if you want.
Honey, can I talk to you for a second?
Remember what you were doing there.
What are you doing?
I'm stalking. This is my process.
If you don't think you can handle this, say so.
- Who said I can't? - It's taking forever.
- You're the big talker. You kill him. - I made the hors d'oeuvres.
Well, I can't do it.
He's adorable.
His hooves are magic.
Oh, this is just great.
How can I compete with Girls Gone Wild
when all I've got is Friendly Lions Serving Their Prey Stuffed Mushrooms?
Okay, listen up.
You need a zebra rug. I got to get a crazy Hindu elephant off my back.
You help me, I'll help you.
You can get us a zebra rug?
Sure. I'll jack one from Wayne Newton.
He's got, like, seven of 'em. Freak!
I'll be back in an hour, but you owe me.
Okay, this is going to work.
Unless my dad gets home early.
We'll just put something where the rug was.
ldeally something long with black and white stripes.
Oh, Kevin...
Let me see. I have five.
According to my master blackjack system, I stick.
But you have five. It can't hurt to take a card.
You stay with the system.
Nineteen. You lose.
I changed my mind. I'd like to hit.
- You can't. - When will my luck turn?
Mike Barker, you're a cooler.
Take your bad mojo and hit the bricks.
I wrestled this away from a mother of 12.
We'll no longer imagine the flavor of her buttocks.
- How much have you lost? - Half our net worth.
Siegfried, you must stop.
No! One last hand, double or nothing.
If I win, we're even.
If I lose, at least we still have our WorldCom stock.
- How's that doing, by the way? - I'm putting an end to this.
Roy, I have a feeling about this hand,
and I need you to believe in me,
because whenever we have believed in something together,
we have been Siegfried and Roy...
...Masters of the Impossible!
Okay, Siegfried, I believe in you. We bet it all.
- We've got 20. - Hit.
- What? No hit. - You stay with the system.
Let's try my system.
Doodalee-doodalee-doo. Sleep.
She has a 19. We won.
- I still want to hit. - Okay.
Or stick.
- Nineteen. Player wins. - We have done it again.
My system works! On to roulette!
And my family was constantly migrating, so it was tough to make friends.
During recess, I got stuck playing with the hippos.
Don't get me started on dodgeball.
What kind of a sick bastard came up with that?
- We should've killed him. - Come on, boys,
- Here they come! - I'll give you a tour of the house.
Just lie still.
Cat hair.
- Hey, Dad. - Hey, pumpkin.
You know the Snout brothers. We had a few beers after the game.
- How many beers you have? - Seventeen!
Eighteen beers. Gay!
It's getting late...
Sweetheart, not so much with the talking.
Gentlemen, you wanted to see it.
He's right over here. My trophy kill.
- Awesome! - Awesome!
Did you miss me, Brown Eyes?
- Sarmoti. - Yeah?
I love you.
Hey, wait a second. This thing is dusty.
Boys, cane.
Well, I'm all tuckered out. Good night, everyone.
- Good night, Sarmoti. Good game. - Yeah, game!
Oh, that reminds me.
Got to put my poker winnings in my... lucky safe.
Here's one place no one will ever look.
Fire in the hole.
Okay, bank's closed.
What the hell is going on?
It's a miracle!
Mom?
Zombie zebra! He will judge us for our sins.
We are all unclean!
What's this zebra head doing in the trash?
You're going to laugh, but I think the money ended up there anyway.
Dad, this is hard to explain...
Save it, Kate.
I know Larry ruined the rug.
He's always resented me and my smoldering virility,
which women find rugged yet sensitive,
but not in a fruity way.
No, Dad, it wasn't Larry.
It was me.
I tore up your rug.
You? Why?
Look, I care about you a lot,
but since you moved in, I've been wanting to strangle you.
Is it the hair balls?
- It's not the hair balls. - I can spit 'em outside.
Forget the hair balls. It's nap time.
It's the loud Rat Pack music. It's butting in with the kids.
Dad, I want to be a good daughter, I do,
but you're driving me crazy.
Come on, pump it! Pump it!
What's so funny?
Oh, you're just like your mother.
The sweetest woman in the world, but when she got mad,
watch out.
- I don't even remember. - Oh, yeah.
One time, I told her that she wasn't dusting right.
I had to pee through a garden hose for a month.
She knew when to put me in my place, Kate.
I loved that about her.
- So we're okay? - Of course, sweetheart.
Next time I get on your nerves, just give me a kick in the rear.
I can take it.
Hey.
Oh, Larry, I want you to know
that if I've been tough to live with in any way, I'm sorry.
It's okay.
What are you looking at?
Unless you're giving out happy endings, get out of my way.
Hello, my lions.
We came to check up on the new living arrangements.
Is the old man busting your stones?
Remember this, kitties: Dad's in your house now.
He must play by your rules.
And rule number one is party hearty!
Ja!
Roy, enough talking.
I want to shake it like a Polaroid picture.
Look out, Sarmoti, you beautiful, aging beast!
Crazy youth is in the house!
Come on!
Ja!